stop waiting…start doing.

i have just had a realization that I need to start doing. I have been living a life where I just want things to happen for me and that is NOT how the world works. I have to start doing and figuring out what makes me happy and content in the world.

If i wanna be a lawyer then that’s what I want to do but somewhere down the line I have forgotten what it feels like to be honest with myself. I have forgotten to do what makes me happy. and DAMN IT!

Its time for Stella to get her groove back. and not in the relationship part.

I just want to know what love feels like.

I feel like that’s so much to ask for. to know that someone in the world loves you. to have someone hug you because they want to. to have someone say that they love you.

I don’t know what that feels like. my own parents don’t even love me. I’m pretty sure if they could go back to the day I was conceived they would put a condemn on. they never say they love me. I just want to once hear someone say they love me. to hold me like they love me. to experience love with someone. I have so much of it to give. so much love waiting for someone anyone! I just want to feel it.

I just want to know someone loves me.

PALEO PANIC ATTACK!

HHEEELLLP MEEE!!!! PLEASE!!

I AM SO OVER MY HEAD RIGHT NOW! I CANT PLAN MY MEALS FOR THE WEEK AND I JOINED A PROGRAM TO PLAN THEM FOR ME BUT ALL THE THINGS THEY WANT ME TO EAT I DONT WANT TO EAT BECAUSE THEY SOUND GROSS OR WOULD COST ME LIKE 30$ TO MAKE!! I JUST WANT TO BE HEALTHY BUT MCDONALDS IS LOOKING SO EASY RIGHT NOW! 

 

I DONT WANT TO STOP THIS! I DONT WANT TO QUIT BUT I AM DROWNING IN LIST AND PLANNING AND GROCERY SHOPPING AND COOKING EVERYDAY SOMETHING!! I JUST DONT KNOW IF I CAN DO MUCH MORE OF THIS!

paleo diet.

so as you all have noticed I recently admited to not loving myself. and once I realized that i didnt love me i was very angry at myself. i didnt want to hate who i was and worse..i didnt want to hate skinny people. I found myself overcome with jealousy towards them. why do they get to be skinny?! why do I have to hate what i look like? I felt so bad for myself and then one day something slapped me in the face. Its said “Hey! you wanna be thin fucking work for it! Get off your lazy candy eating ass and do work!” 

 

and so here we are. anyone who knows me knows that I have a problem with sticking with something. It is very hard for me not to cheat..because it is hard for me to say no to myself. And even now that im 2 days into Paleo eating it is still hard…OH! i should probably explain Paleo living for those of you who dont know…

 

Paleo Living is an intense healthy eating program. Notice I didnt call it a diet..its more than that. it teaches you how to eat. it teaches you why sugar and preservatives are bad for you. it teaches you that instead of going to dunkin donuts at 7:15 AM when you have to be at work at 8:00AM and you know it takes you an hour to get to work in the morning so you have to drive like you’ve lost your mind and have AT LEAST 10 drivers flip you off all for two donuts and a vanilla chai late that is half of your calories for the day to get out the bed 15 minutes earlier than you would have and cook a BLT with Spinach leaves, eggs, bacon and avocado. 

 

Paleo cuts out sugar and grain. Which doesnt sound like a lot but if forces me to plan and it forces me to find other sources of food. for instance I wont go get a taco salad from el ok corral because I have already prepped my dinners for the week and just have to go home and cook them. I finally feel like I can do this life style. I made a candy bar that has almonds, macadamia nuts, cocoa powder and raw honey! NO ADDED SUGAR! I have learned so much from this diet. 

 

And i feel better. I woke up this morning happy. and I feel proud of myself for doing something good! I hope that i can stick with it! and not only be healthier but be happy and most of all

 

love myself honestly so that I can love someone else honestly.

a letter to gentlemen

gentlemen,

I know many of you are confused by us women, and i totally understand that. i do. you hear us constantly complain about how we want a good man and then when we sleep with you on the first date you think….”well that was easy, how many other men has she just given it to like that?” and honestly…that is a really good question to have. we as women give you what you want so often that you don’t feel the need to treat us special. especially if she has been hurt in the past. and some of us have been hurt a lot. 

a lot of us wonder when will men realize that all a single woman wants is a man who wants to get to know her. wants you to care about her likes and dislike. wants you to simply talk to her. and not to get mad when she automatically assumes that you want in her pants when she has encountered men like so much in her life that it has caused her to put a wall up to protect herself from “hit and run” men.

all she wants is for you to please accept that she is a little scared and reluctant at first. and know that if you can show her you care and make her feel safe she will give you the true desires of your heart and share her heart with you.

She may come off a little crazy and battered at first but stick with her and you might be surprised of the love that she can give you. 

and maybe…just maybe don’t make a move. even if she seems like all she wants is you. don’t do it. focus on that tiny question in the back of your mind, “how many men has she given it up to?” I know you think that at some point during the act…at least i hope you do. because HIV is real. STD’s are real and they can really kill you. Even if you use a condom. You don’t know what’s in her mouth or if there’s an open sore. 

some girls are damaged from bad men and some men are damaged from bad women. all in all we just want to be loved.

….and loved honestly.

 

*and men…if you have any comments PLEASE leave them! I would love to hear your side of things…and so would SO many women :).

loving myself honestly.

I was watching The Mindy Project (which is my favorite show btw) and I found myself questioning why I don’t have an awesome life full of fun times and adventure and I realize that the common thing in all of my favorite shows is the women and their attitudes towards themselves. and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t love me. I mean do I like certain things about myself…yes. but I have never truly accepted myself. I have never loved myself…i have tolerated me. How dare I ask someone to love me when I don’t love myself. And i realize that ive like HUNDREDS of meme’s telling me to love myself in a snotty wine induced way but I never really read them. I never accepted myself. 

 

I think that’s why I don’t have friends. And I do have friends but i have never had a best friend.  Someone who wants to do the things with me that i want to do with them. They’d rather do them with someone else than me. No one wants to plan an across country road trip with me or go hiking with me. Im always by myself. GOD i wish i could count the number of times I’ve gone out to eat by myself or seen a movie by myself or drank a liter of wine by myself. 

 

Last night I took some NyQuil and drank a fifth of Jager (I realize i could’ve died now but that’s is besides the point).

 

And I started thinking…Iesha…why don’t you love yourself. I mean I LOVE who i am but not me. I love my personality (although im sometimes a bitch) but I love it. and then I stood in the mirror naked and realized the reason I don’t like myself is because im overweight. It makes me feel useless and unwanted. it makes me feel like I will never have anything because im covered in layers of fat. I know that in order for me to feel comfortable around other people I am going to have to be comfortable around myself. 

 

Now don’t get me wrong i don’t over eat, I just don’t care about what i eat or when I ear or how much i eat. If I crave a snickers bar at 10 at night I have a snickers bar. My whole life I have never said no to myself when it comes to food. I always give myself what I want because no one else will. i never got the things that i asked for. and maybe that was my parents trying to teach me to fend for myself but I never got what I asked for so I stopped asking and got it for myself. and now im SUPER overweight because I am my own yes man…I constantly just say yes to myself even though I know I should say NO IESHA! 

 

And i don’t know why im making this post where i bear the true feelings I have about myself or why I felt the need to do it. I just realized that if i want to be like Mindy from the Mindy Project or Kim from Super Fun Night I have to either embrace myself or change it until I realize who I want to be and once I get to that place I have to then make sure that its who I want to be. 

 

I guess i need to take my own advice and always love honestly.

government shutdown…bish please!

Let me start off by saying that this government shut down is a GIANT waste of time!! Stop acting like your 5 years old and Obama took your turn on the tire swing! you are CONGRESS MEN AND WOMEN! get your lives together please!

 

Great Article if you dont know whats going on:

http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/30/politics/government-shutdown-up-to-speed/index.html

The fact that you could potential cost this nation $55 billion!! NOTHING IS WORTH THAT KIND OF MONEY! Lower the security at airports during all this war stuff is the worst thing YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO! We are a target to other countries!! What happened to United we Stand, Divided we FALL! HELL-FUCKING-O!!

 

WE ARE DIVIDED WE WILL FALL!!! have you dumbasses forgotten that WHOLE little thing that we worked so hard to accomplished. It is SADDENING that you are the leaders of our country. You all make me sick! You were elected by the people! and as a person who votes I AM SO DISAPPOINTED in your actions.

 

I understand that it is hard for most of the upper class republicans to understand that there are measly peasants who need help from time to time and that a single mother who works two jobs and barely has time for her kids needs help with something as trivial as insurance so her kids can go to the doctor instead of letting them go to school and get your little princess sick (assuming you haven’t enrolled them in private christian schools),

 

Now at the same time I am not ignorant to the fact that people will abuse Obama-care. PEOPLE ABUSE EVERYTHING! Food Stamps have been abused for SOO many years. People find ways to work the system like no bodies business! It is your JOB the reason we pay you WAYYYYY more than your worth to look at those people abusing it and make laws and regulations so that IT IS AN UNBREAKABLE SYSTEM!

Stop with all this crap and DO YOUR JOB! If i told my boss that i didnt agree with her and that I was just gonna sit at my desk and do nothing guess what…I WOULDNT HAVE A JOB VERY FUCKING LONG!

 

Readers: Im not sorry if this offends you. I have never claimed to want to see both sides of it but the beauty of this being MY blog is that I can say whatever the fuck i want to say and if you dont like it you can comment on it and cuss me out but even then…i wont give a damn..not a single one. Ill read it and delete it because im like the Obama you have placed in your head…im a DICTATOR!

single girl in 2013.

This one is for the ladies!! my single sistahs!

get you a glass of wine and a blanket because i’m about to unleash the true feelings in your lonely single hearts.

I have been single most of my life. like im talking about out of the 22 years ive been on  this planet ive been single for 21 years and 11 months. And some of you are like…bull shit! but no…i’m very serious. now yes I have had men who took me on dates and ive made out with few of them but never have i said to someone that I meet. “This is my boyfriend _____”.  and in all honesty…its all i want.

now some of you are like fuck men im I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T! and ive said that to plenty of people but when  you go home at night to your one bedroom house and open that bottle of wine and play Adele and cry while watching The Notebook and eating Turtles you know that you are just saying that. (also…don’t act like im the only one who has done this).

and you cant help but think to yourself…what am i doing wrong? why wont a man fall in love with me? am i too fat? too skinny? my ass not big enough? my boobs too small? too big? can they see that i forced myself into these jeans? maybe i just don’t deserve someone right now.

 

STOP IT! JUST STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN!

Put the Ben and Jerry’s down and pause the TV and log out of of POF, OkCupid, and Twine!

I know if your like me then your 22 years old and your best friend is a gay guy that you share all your secrets with and he is the one who constantly has to tell you “you’re beautiful” “fuck men” “they don’t deserve someone as awesome as you”. and you look at them and you’re like…”yeah” but in your head you’re screaming….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQLd3ELuqtQ

people just don’t understand how difficult it is to be single. how hard it is to have so much love inside of you that you just want to give and you end up giving it to the wrong person or the man who doesn’t deserve it. and will just use you and that you will be embarrassed to be with. a man who will just take and take from you and you’re so afraid of being alone that you stay with him until you just cant stand it anymore and would rather get a root canal with no anesthesia than spend another five seconds with this man. and when you finally have the balls to end it you find yourself drunk texting him at 5:00 am asking him to “just love you”. and you wake up the next morning feeling cheap and used. I have seen this story so many time from so many different women and WE ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE.

Now onto my gays…I love you very very very much you are some of the greatest men that I have ever met and you go through so much so please remember that while I write this next part of the blog….

I literally can not handle another guy i liking turning out to be gay! i will literally drink a bottle of hydrogen peroxide if it happens to me again. I mean the first 10 times i was understanding but now im just like

image2

I have invested so much into men that act straight, look straight, seem like they like women only to be SLAPPED IN THE FACE WHEN I FIND OUT THEY ARE GAY! I’m not saying that all gay men should be forced to wear a jacket saying “im gay” but it would be nice to give us SOME KIND OF HINT! my little heart cant take much more of the “Surprise! Im gay!” I just cant do it anymore…and no i dont need any more gusbands! I have mt my quota for this lifetime.

I know that love will find us but until then know that wine isn’t going anywhere and that you will always have the internet to understand your life.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyperez/24-things-single-people-are-tired-of-hearing

until then…remember always love honestly.

loving each other…ALL RACES!

So as any 20 something year old who dreams of being a beauty queen I religiously watched the Miss America Pageant last night and was OVERCOME with joy at the amount of mixed races I saw. I was so happy for Miss America Nina Davuluri when she won! I remember thinking…”America has come a long way.”

and then i turned on the radio in my car and was once again reminded of the country i live in. a country that would rather bash an innocent girl who worked so hard her entire life to become Miss America. why? you may be asking yourself because she is of an Indian descent. and is BEAUTIFUL! I mean how many Caucasian women can pull of a YELLOW EVENING GOWN THE WAY SHE DID??!! 

I can only imagine how upset she must feel that the place where she was BORN AND RAISED can frown upon her success because of the color of her skin. it is truly OUTRAGEOUS! how have we not come far enough as a country to allow someone who has worked so hard for her title to enjoy it. Now she has to live in fear instead of in happiness. During a time when she should feel overcome with joy and love from HER COUNTRY! 

It really disgust me that she is being put down because of her skin color. and made fun of because she  missed her cue! You can only imagine the stress level of what those girls are going through. the whole country is tearing them apart like a pack of hungry wolves. Commenting on how fat they look or how they shouldn’t have skipped that last tanning session. Its disgusting how we tear them apart. THEY ARE WOMEN! and yes…they made the choice to pursue this career and yes they do get benefits but the way that we forget to love each other and support each other is heart breaking.

I support you Miss America 2013. I hope that you know that you deserve the crown that you are wearing and I hope that you know that somewhere a little Indian-American girl is filled with hope knowing that some day she too can be Miss America.

And as for you RACIST who are taking away from the happiest days of her life…i hope you find it in your heart to love and support all races. America is a melting pot now get to melting or get left behind. 

loving honestly.

let me start off by saying i have no idea why I’m starting yet another blog on the internet. maybe its because I’m bored. Maybe its because i have an incredible need for attention (middle child syndrome). Maybe its because it helps me figure things out for myself…who knows?

I recently tried to be “in a relationship” something that I’ve wanted my entire life. I have always wanted to feel loved. and my parents and friends and family all love me…but i wanted a type of love that they couldnt supply..I believe its called agape love. now in a synposis of the three times of love click this link here:

http://theseekeroftruth.blogspot.com/2005/02/3-types-of-love.html

I wont go into all the different types of love because some of you probably already know what they are. i wil however talk about Agape love.

It is a love that can not be measured. It is the love that you see in movies like The Notebook, or any other Nicholas Sparks novel for that matter. It is a love that fully consumes you. A love that you can not live without. A love that many Christian find in Christ. Or Buhdist find in Budda. Now some of you are reading this and are getting offended because Im asking for a love that is “reserved for Christ” okay…do me a favor and shut the hell up. I know what I want in love so dont tell me how to feel.

Sorry for the outburst..but hey..its my blog.

Anyways back to what i was saying….I want love to consume me. I remember the first time I watched A Walk to Remember and Mandy Moore’s (which where is she now?) character opens up her mother’s bible and reads to Shane West the following passage:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” -First Corinthians 13:4-8 

Now i like to think I’ve read and understand the Bible but I guess i read it because I had to not because I wanted to know Christ. And hearing that passage in A Walk to Remember made me realize that I didn’t have that type of relationship with anyone not a love the “doesnt boast, isnt proud, and not rude or self seeking.” and as i began to think about it…ive never even seen a love like that. now..no im not going to go into heavy detail about my family life and the marriages and all that because I dont want to.

I see many people post about how happy and in love they are but honestly…i dont believe they are. I dont believe that half of the people I see getting married are in love. and I hate that for them and for me. why me? because it breaks my heart. I want everyone to find the love that they DESERVE! Not the love that is the first one to flutter its eyelashes at you or the first one to unhook your bra in the back of a pick up. 

I want everyone to love honestly. you gut tells you when you love someone. I could have made myself love Landon and eventually I would have been content. but i dont want to be content. i want to be head over heels, floating on cloud nine, flash mob proposal in love. 

you’ll know when it feels right…if you love honestly.