I just want to know what love feels like.

I feel like that’s so much to ask for. to know that someone in the world loves you. to have someone hug you because they want to. to have someone say that they love you.

I don’t know what that feels like. my own parents don’t even love me. I’m pretty sure if they could go back to the day I was conceived they would put a condemn on. they never say they love me. I just want to once hear someone say they love me. to hold me like they love me. to experience love with someone. I have so much of it to give. so much love waiting for someone anyone! I just want to feel it.

I just want to know someone loves me.

a letter to gentlemen

gentlemen,

I know many of you are confused by us women, and i totally understand that. i do. you hear us constantly complain about how we want a good man and then when we sleep with you on the first date you think….”well that was easy, how many other men has she just given it to like that?” and honestly…that is a really good question to have. we as women give you what you want so often that you don’t feel the need to treat us special. especially if she has been hurt in the past. and some of us have been hurt a lot. 

a lot of us wonder when will men realize that all a single woman wants is a man who wants to get to know her. wants you to care about her likes and dislike. wants you to simply talk to her. and not to get mad when she automatically assumes that you want in her pants when she has encountered men like so much in her life that it has caused her to put a wall up to protect herself from “hit and run” men.

all she wants is for you to please accept that she is a little scared and reluctant at first. and know that if you can show her you care and make her feel safe she will give you the true desires of your heart and share her heart with you.

She may come off a little crazy and battered at first but stick with her and you might be surprised of the love that she can give you. 

and maybe…just maybe don’t make a move. even if she seems like all she wants is you. don’t do it. focus on that tiny question in the back of your mind, “how many men has she given it up to?” I know you think that at some point during the act…at least i hope you do. because HIV is real. STD’s are real and they can really kill you. Even if you use a condom. You don’t know what’s in her mouth or if there’s an open sore. 

some girls are damaged from bad men and some men are damaged from bad women. all in all we just want to be loved.

….and loved honestly.

 

*and men…if you have any comments PLEASE leave them! I would love to hear your side of things…and so would SO many women :).

loving myself honestly.

I was watching The Mindy Project (which is my favorite show btw) and I found myself questioning why I don’t have an awesome life full of fun times and adventure and I realize that the common thing in all of my favorite shows is the women and their attitudes towards themselves. and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t love me. I mean do I like certain things about myself…yes. but I have never truly accepted myself. I have never loved myself…i have tolerated me. How dare I ask someone to love me when I don’t love myself. And i realize that ive like HUNDREDS of meme’s telling me to love myself in a snotty wine induced way but I never really read them. I never accepted myself. 

 

I think that’s why I don’t have friends. And I do have friends but i have never had a best friend.  Someone who wants to do the things with me that i want to do with them. They’d rather do them with someone else than me. No one wants to plan an across country road trip with me or go hiking with me. Im always by myself. GOD i wish i could count the number of times I’ve gone out to eat by myself or seen a movie by myself or drank a liter of wine by myself. 

 

Last night I took some NyQuil and drank a fifth of Jager (I realize i could’ve died now but that’s is besides the point).

 

And I started thinking…Iesha…why don’t you love yourself. I mean I LOVE who i am but not me. I love my personality (although im sometimes a bitch) but I love it. and then I stood in the mirror naked and realized the reason I don’t like myself is because im overweight. It makes me feel useless and unwanted. it makes me feel like I will never have anything because im covered in layers of fat. I know that in order for me to feel comfortable around other people I am going to have to be comfortable around myself. 

 

Now don’t get me wrong i don’t over eat, I just don’t care about what i eat or when I ear or how much i eat. If I crave a snickers bar at 10 at night I have a snickers bar. My whole life I have never said no to myself when it comes to food. I always give myself what I want because no one else will. i never got the things that i asked for. and maybe that was my parents trying to teach me to fend for myself but I never got what I asked for so I stopped asking and got it for myself. and now im SUPER overweight because I am my own yes man…I constantly just say yes to myself even though I know I should say NO IESHA! 

 

And i don’t know why im making this post where i bear the true feelings I have about myself or why I felt the need to do it. I just realized that if i want to be like Mindy from the Mindy Project or Kim from Super Fun Night I have to either embrace myself or change it until I realize who I want to be and once I get to that place I have to then make sure that its who I want to be. 

 

I guess i need to take my own advice and always love honestly.