I just want to know what love feels like.

I feel like that’s so much to ask for. to know that someone in the world loves you. to have someone hug you because they want to. to have someone say that they love you.

I don’t know what that feels like. my own parents don’t even love me. I’m pretty sure if they could go back to the day I was conceived they would put a condemn on. they never say they love me. I just want to once hear someone say they love me. to hold me like they love me. to experience love with someone. I have so much of it to give. so much love waiting for someone anyone! I just want to feel it.

I just want to know someone loves me.


paleo diet.

so as you all have noticed I recently admited to not loving myself. and once I realized that i didnt love me i was very angry at myself. i didnt want to hate who i was and worse..i didnt want to hate skinny people. I found myself overcome with jealousy towards them. why do they get to be skinny?! why do I have to hate what i look like? I felt so bad for myself and then one day something slapped me in the face. Its said “Hey! you wanna be thin fucking work for it! Get off your lazy candy eating ass and do work!” 


and so here we are. anyone who knows me knows that I have a problem with sticking with something. It is very hard for me not to cheat..because it is hard for me to say no to myself. And even now that im 2 days into Paleo eating it is still hard…OH! i should probably explain Paleo living for those of you who dont know…


Paleo Living is an intense healthy eating program. Notice I didnt call it a diet..its more than that. it teaches you how to eat. it teaches you why sugar and preservatives are bad for you. it teaches you that instead of going to dunkin donuts at 7:15 AM when you have to be at work at 8:00AM and you know it takes you an hour to get to work in the morning so you have to drive like you’ve lost your mind and have AT LEAST 10 drivers flip you off all for two donuts and a vanilla chai late that is half of your calories for the day to get out the bed 15 minutes earlier than you would have and cook a BLT with Spinach leaves, eggs, bacon and avocado. 


Paleo cuts out sugar and grain. Which doesnt sound like a lot but if forces me to plan and it forces me to find other sources of food. for instance I wont go get a taco salad from el ok corral because I have already prepped my dinners for the week and just have to go home and cook them. I finally feel like I can do this life style. I made a candy bar that has almonds, macadamia nuts, cocoa powder and raw honey! NO ADDED SUGAR! I have learned so much from this diet. 


And i feel better. I woke up this morning happy. and I feel proud of myself for doing something good! I hope that i can stick with it! and not only be healthier but be happy and most of all


love myself honestly so that I can love someone else honestly.

a letter to gentlemen


I know many of you are confused by us women, and i totally understand that. i do. you hear us constantly complain about how we want a good man and then when we sleep with you on the first date you think….”well that was easy, how many other men has she just given it to like that?” and honestly…that is a really good question to have. we as women give you what you want so often that you don’t feel the need to treat us special. especially if she has been hurt in the past. and some of us have been hurt a lot. 

a lot of us wonder when will men realize that all a single woman wants is a man who wants to get to know her. wants you to care about her likes and dislike. wants you to simply talk to her. and not to get mad when she automatically assumes that you want in her pants when she has encountered men like so much in her life that it has caused her to put a wall up to protect herself from “hit and run” men.

all she wants is for you to please accept that she is a little scared and reluctant at first. and know that if you can show her you care and make her feel safe she will give you the true desires of your heart and share her heart with you.

She may come off a little crazy and battered at first but stick with her and you might be surprised of the love that she can give you. 

and maybe…just maybe don’t make a move. even if she seems like all she wants is you. don’t do it. focus on that tiny question in the back of your mind, “how many men has she given it up to?” I know you think that at some point during the act…at least i hope you do. because HIV is real. STD’s are real and they can really kill you. Even if you use a condom. You don’t know what’s in her mouth or if there’s an open sore. 

some girls are damaged from bad men and some men are damaged from bad women. all in all we just want to be loved.

….and loved honestly.


*and men…if you have any comments PLEASE leave them! I would love to hear your side of things…and so would SO many women :).

loving each other…ALL RACES!

So as any 20 something year old who dreams of being a beauty queen I religiously watched the Miss America Pageant last night and was OVERCOME with joy at the amount of mixed races I saw. I was so happy for Miss America Nina Davuluri when she won! I remember thinking…”America has come a long way.”

and then i turned on the radio in my car and was once again reminded of the country i live in. a country that would rather bash an innocent girl who worked so hard her entire life to become Miss America. why? you may be asking yourself because she is of an Indian descent. and is BEAUTIFUL! I mean how many Caucasian women can pull of a YELLOW EVENING GOWN THE WAY SHE DID??!! 

I can only imagine how upset she must feel that the place where she was BORN AND RAISED can frown upon her success because of the color of her skin. it is truly OUTRAGEOUS! how have we not come far enough as a country to allow someone who has worked so hard for her title to enjoy it. Now she has to live in fear instead of in happiness. During a time when she should feel overcome with joy and love from HER COUNTRY! 

It really disgust me that she is being put down because of her skin color. and made fun of because she  missed her cue! You can only imagine the stress level of what those girls are going through. the whole country is tearing them apart like a pack of hungry wolves. Commenting on how fat they look or how they shouldn’t have skipped that last tanning session. Its disgusting how we tear them apart. THEY ARE WOMEN! and yes…they made the choice to pursue this career and yes they do get benefits but the way that we forget to love each other and support each other is heart breaking.

I support you Miss America 2013. I hope that you know that you deserve the crown that you are wearing and I hope that you know that somewhere a little Indian-American girl is filled with hope knowing that some day she too can be Miss America.

And as for you RACIST who are taking away from the happiest days of her life…i hope you find it in your heart to love and support all races. America is a melting pot now get to melting or get left behind. 

loving honestly.

let me start off by saying i have no idea why I’m starting yet another blog on the internet. maybe its because I’m bored. Maybe its because i have an incredible need for attention (middle child syndrome). Maybe its because it helps me figure things out for myself…who knows?

I recently tried to be “in a relationship” something that I’ve wanted my entire life. I have always wanted to feel loved. and my parents and friends and family all love me…but i wanted a type of love that they couldnt supply..I believe its called agape love. now in a synposis of the three times of love click this link here:


I wont go into all the different types of love because some of you probably already know what they are. i wil however talk about Agape love.

It is a love that can not be measured. It is the love that you see in movies like The Notebook, or any other Nicholas Sparks novel for that matter. It is a love that fully consumes you. A love that you can not live without. A love that many Christian find in Christ. Or Buhdist find in Budda. Now some of you are reading this and are getting offended because Im asking for a love that is “reserved for Christ” okay…do me a favor and shut the hell up. I know what I want in love so dont tell me how to feel.

Sorry for the outburst..but hey..its my blog.

Anyways back to what i was saying….I want love to consume me. I remember the first time I watched A Walk to Remember and Mandy Moore’s (which where is she now?) character opens up her mother’s bible and reads to Shane West the following passage:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” -First Corinthians 13:4-8 

Now i like to think I’ve read and understand the Bible but I guess i read it because I had to not because I wanted to know Christ. And hearing that passage in A Walk to Remember made me realize that I didn’t have that type of relationship with anyone not a love the “doesnt boast, isnt proud, and not rude or self seeking.” and as i began to think about it…ive never even seen a love like that. now..no im not going to go into heavy detail about my family life and the marriages and all that because I dont want to.

I see many people post about how happy and in love they are but honestly…i dont believe they are. I dont believe that half of the people I see getting married are in love. and I hate that for them and for me. why me? because it breaks my heart. I want everyone to find the love that they DESERVE! Not the love that is the first one to flutter its eyelashes at you or the first one to unhook your bra in the back of a pick up. 

I want everyone to love honestly. you gut tells you when you love someone. I could have made myself love Landon and eventually I would have been content. but i dont want to be content. i want to be head over heels, floating on cloud nine, flash mob proposal in love. 

you’ll know when it feels right…if you love honestly.