loving myself honestly.

I was watching The Mindy Project (which is my favorite show btw) and I found myself questioning why I don’t have an awesome life full of fun times and adventure and I realize that the common thing in all of my favorite shows is the women and their attitudes towards themselves. and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t love me. I mean do I like certain things about myself…yes. but I have never truly accepted myself. I have never loved myself…i have tolerated me. How dare I ask someone to love me when I don’t love myself. And i realize that ive like HUNDREDS of meme’s telling me to love myself in a snotty wine induced way but I never really read them. I never accepted myself. 


I think that’s why I don’t have friends. And I do have friends but i have never had a best friend.  Someone who wants to do the things with me that i want to do with them. They’d rather do them with someone else than me. No one wants to plan an across country road trip with me or go hiking with me. Im always by myself. GOD i wish i could count the number of times I’ve gone out to eat by myself or seen a movie by myself or drank a liter of wine by myself. 


Last night I took some NyQuil and drank a fifth of Jager (I realize i could’ve died now but that’s is besides the point).


And I started thinking…Iesha…why don’t you love yourself. I mean I LOVE who i am but not me. I love my personality (although im sometimes a bitch) but I love it. and then I stood in the mirror naked and realized the reason I don’t like myself is because im overweight. It makes me feel useless and unwanted. it makes me feel like I will never have anything because im covered in layers of fat. I know that in order for me to feel comfortable around other people I am going to have to be comfortable around myself. 


Now don’t get me wrong i don’t over eat, I just don’t care about what i eat or when I ear or how much i eat. If I crave a snickers bar at 10 at night I have a snickers bar. My whole life I have never said no to myself when it comes to food. I always give myself what I want because no one else will. i never got the things that i asked for. and maybe that was my parents trying to teach me to fend for myself but I never got what I asked for so I stopped asking and got it for myself. and now im SUPER overweight because I am my own yes man…I constantly just say yes to myself even though I know I should say NO IESHA! 


And i don’t know why im making this post where i bear the true feelings I have about myself or why I felt the need to do it. I just realized that if i want to be like Mindy from the Mindy Project or Kim from Super Fun Night I have to either embrace myself or change it until I realize who I want to be and once I get to that place I have to then make sure that its who I want to be. 


I guess i need to take my own advice and always love honestly.