loving myself honestly.

I was watching The Mindy Project (which is my favorite show btw) and I found myself questioning why I don’t have an awesome life full of fun times and adventure and I realize that the common thing in all of my favorite shows is the women and their attitudes towards themselves. and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t love me. I mean do I like certain things about myself…yes. but I have never truly accepted myself. I have never loved myself…i have tolerated me. How dare I ask someone to love me when I don’t love myself. And i realize that ive like HUNDREDS of meme’s telling me to love myself in a snotty wine induced way but I never really read them. I never accepted myself. 

 

I think that’s why I don’t have friends. And I do have friends but i have never had a best friend.  Someone who wants to do the things with me that i want to do with them. They’d rather do them with someone else than me. No one wants to plan an across country road trip with me or go hiking with me. Im always by myself. GOD i wish i could count the number of times I’ve gone out to eat by myself or seen a movie by myself or drank a liter of wine by myself. 

 

Last night I took some NyQuil and drank a fifth of Jager (I realize i could’ve died now but that’s is besides the point).

 

And I started thinking…Iesha…why don’t you love yourself. I mean I LOVE who i am but not me. I love my personality (although im sometimes a bitch) but I love it. and then I stood in the mirror naked and realized the reason I don’t like myself is because im overweight. It makes me feel useless and unwanted. it makes me feel like I will never have anything because im covered in layers of fat. I know that in order for me to feel comfortable around other people I am going to have to be comfortable around myself. 

 

Now don’t get me wrong i don’t over eat, I just don’t care about what i eat or when I ear or how much i eat. If I crave a snickers bar at 10 at night I have a snickers bar. My whole life I have never said no to myself when it comes to food. I always give myself what I want because no one else will. i never got the things that i asked for. and maybe that was my parents trying to teach me to fend for myself but I never got what I asked for so I stopped asking and got it for myself. and now im SUPER overweight because I am my own yes man…I constantly just say yes to myself even though I know I should say NO IESHA! 

 

And i don’t know why im making this post where i bear the true feelings I have about myself or why I felt the need to do it. I just realized that if i want to be like Mindy from the Mindy Project or Kim from Super Fun Night I have to either embrace myself or change it until I realize who I want to be and once I get to that place I have to then make sure that its who I want to be. 

 

I guess i need to take my own advice and always love honestly.

single girl in 2013.

This one is for the ladies!! my single sistahs!

get you a glass of wine and a blanket because i’m about to unleash the true feelings in your lonely single hearts.

I have been single most of my life. like im talking about out of the 22 years ive been on  this planet ive been single for 21 years and 11 months. And some of you are like…bull shit! but no…i’m very serious. now yes I have had men who took me on dates and ive made out with few of them but never have i said to someone that I meet. “This is my boyfriend _____”.  and in all honesty…its all i want.

now some of you are like fuck men im I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T! and ive said that to plenty of people but when  you go home at night to your one bedroom house and open that bottle of wine and play Adele and cry while watching The Notebook and eating Turtles you know that you are just saying that. (also…don’t act like im the only one who has done this).

and you cant help but think to yourself…what am i doing wrong? why wont a man fall in love with me? am i too fat? too skinny? my ass not big enough? my boobs too small? too big? can they see that i forced myself into these jeans? maybe i just don’t deserve someone right now.

 

STOP IT! JUST STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN!

Put the Ben and Jerry’s down and pause the TV and log out of of POF, OkCupid, and Twine!

I know if your like me then your 22 years old and your best friend is a gay guy that you share all your secrets with and he is the one who constantly has to tell you “you’re beautiful” “fuck men” “they don’t deserve someone as awesome as you”. and you look at them and you’re like…”yeah” but in your head you’re screaming….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQLd3ELuqtQ

people just don’t understand how difficult it is to be single. how hard it is to have so much love inside of you that you just want to give and you end up giving it to the wrong person or the man who doesn’t deserve it. and will just use you and that you will be embarrassed to be with. a man who will just take and take from you and you’re so afraid of being alone that you stay with him until you just cant stand it anymore and would rather get a root canal with no anesthesia than spend another five seconds with this man. and when you finally have the balls to end it you find yourself drunk texting him at 5:00 am asking him to “just love you”. and you wake up the next morning feeling cheap and used. I have seen this story so many time from so many different women and WE ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE.

Now onto my gays…I love you very very very much you are some of the greatest men that I have ever met and you go through so much so please remember that while I write this next part of the blog….

I literally can not handle another guy i liking turning out to be gay! i will literally drink a bottle of hydrogen peroxide if it happens to me again. I mean the first 10 times i was understanding but now im just like

image2

I have invested so much into men that act straight, look straight, seem like they like women only to be SLAPPED IN THE FACE WHEN I FIND OUT THEY ARE GAY! I’m not saying that all gay men should be forced to wear a jacket saying “im gay” but it would be nice to give us SOME KIND OF HINT! my little heart cant take much more of the “Surprise! Im gay!” I just cant do it anymore…and no i dont need any more gusbands! I have mt my quota for this lifetime.

I know that love will find us but until then know that wine isn’t going anywhere and that you will always have the internet to understand your life.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyperez/24-things-single-people-are-tired-of-hearing

until then…remember always love honestly.